The Epicenter of Shit

Pictured above: My thoughts after buying another can of Earthquake: high gravity lager.

All right, I’m long overdue to do a post on some of the horrible alcoholic beverages I’ve consumed. Any time an alcoholic beverage comes in a 24 oz. can, you’ve got to watch yourself. Then when the product is named after a natural disaster, you’ve really got to check yourself. Now, when you’ve got an alcoholic beverage that comes in a 24 oz. can, is named after a natural disaster, AND is 12% alcohol… what do you get? You get "Earthquake: high gravity lager," and maybe a little vomit in the back of your throat.

Remember Warheads? The candy? I know, I know, I sound like I’m on a tangent, but hang on. Remember what the challenge was? Try and keep all of the sour flavor in your mouth without swallowing it to endure the super sour flavor before you got to the sweet candy at the end. Well, I present to you the adult version. Earthquake: high gravity lager. Can you keep it on your tongue enduring the horrible flavor before you get to the sweet drunkenness at the end? Chances are that no, no you can’t… just slam it down quickly trying to avoid all flavor. If you don’t, you’re going to be in for a terrible experience. Let me take a sip and see if I can describe its atrocious taste.

Nope… I can’t. If horrible was a flavor, this would be it. This thing is so vile and disgusting, you can’t pin a particular flavor on it. “Just what does it taste like?” I hear you cry. My response would just simply be… an earthquake, and not just in the sense of the “high gravity lager.” I mean, an earthquake. It tastes like tragedy, despair, dead flesh, ruptured septic tanks, and lost hopes and dreams.

Well, the Earthquake has passed, and I’m in the re-building phase, but I can tell you without a doubt that these things ruin lives. I can now say that I've tasted what homelessness must taste like, and it isn't very appealing. I have a quick question… why do bros drink stuff like Coors Light? If they just had stuff like Earthquake, they could get a lot more drunk for a lot cheaper. Is it really just the notion that it’s “better to drink more?” Even if more is arguably less? Oh right... because they'd rather avoid the seismic shit that is an, "Earthquake." Did... did I just give bros credit for something? If that's not a testament to how much brain-killing power these things have, then I don't know what is.

If your taste buds and internal organs are feeling masochistic, and you've only got $1.50 to your name, Earthquake is the drink for you. If you're anyone else, I highly encourage you evacuate the area before the Earthquake wreaks havoc.